More insights……

Morning all…..I know I presented this as a monthly blog, but I lied. I think it will be more of a when Beckie has a thought blog, ha ha. Or a when Beckie feels up to writing blog. The truth? Beckie gets pooped doing this alone!

I am very grateful to finally win what is my dues, however, it hit me…..I’m on Social Security which means I’m retired, doesn’t it? I was told by three experts I can never do lab work again which is hard on me, because that’s who I am, a lab technician. I always defined myself that way. Big mistake; don’t ever define yourself by what you do, because if something happens to you like it did to me, you’ll lose who you are.

What also hit me hard is how much freedom I had taken away from me. I had always known my life would never be the same while I was awaiting benefits, but now that the fight is over, something became real. I was jipped out of 23 years of working; I should have worked until I was 67. Even if I wanted to retire before then, I should have been the one to decide that. But I wasn’t; I had no say in the matter. My choices were taken away from me, my choices being my freedom. People like to be in charge of their lives. I ‘m no different. I was supposed to control my circumstances, they weren’t supposed to control me. That hit me hard and it made me blue. It’s final now, and it’s not easy to accept.

Then I woke up this morning with a different perspective. After sleeping on it, I realized something. So what? Maybe it wasn’t my choice, but I’m still in control of my life. No, things didn’t happen the way I planned. But, I can’t change that. I have to find out what it is I want to do with the rest of my life and just do it. God will help me. He has something else in store for me; my job now is to tune in and listen to what he is telling me to do. I’ve been doing a lot of listening over the years. Imagine if I had gotten paid for that, I’d be loaded by now, ha ha.

I guess my point is life is what you make it; things don’t always work out the way we like them to. Things happen; when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I myself like lemonade. It’s refreshing, and maybe the second half of my life will be too 😉

An update…..

Hi all….here I am again. I got good news this week! I FINALLY was awarded disability! Ahhh….my money worries are over. It’s been a long, stressful haul(five years) but I finally got the benefits I deserved. I’m still going to have to watch my pennies, but at least I’ll have an income. My hearing was on May 8th. I have to admit I was a little intimidated, but I knew God was in that courtroom with me; He was watching the Judge, the attorney and me. And he was going to do good.

Several people said I should just give up……ok, I could have done that, but what good would that have done? Plus, I needed to live. Besides, SSD is NOT a gift. I started paying into that when I was sixteen years old as we all do. I earned that, and when you earn something, DO NOT give up fighting for it. It is YOURS and I encourage you to fight for it. It may take awhile, but justice will be served. Remember, it is HIS schedule, not your shcedule. God is good. Never forget that.

Now I have the second half of my life to think about. Well, God will help me with that too. I feel like I’m called to write; like that’s how I can do the most good. Was I put on this earth to spread the word about CFS through my writing? Did God put this on my shoulders to FINALLY get people to pay attention to this dreadful disease? Hmmmmmm….something to ponder. If He did, then He will guide me and show me what I should do to be effective in my mission. My life has truly changed; hopefully for the better.

May 1st, 2013

Well, here it is, my first article. You know, once you’ve been through a devastating life experience, you can’t help but change; you’re never the same. You grow in so many ways. Ways neither you nor anybody else can ever imagine unless they’ve walked in your shoes. Even then it’s different because they are different from you. Although you basically are who you are, you’re still different. You mature; the way you look at life in general changes. Your faith in God either deepens or lessens. For me it lessened at first. He was allowing mean and hurtful things to happen to me. Someone who meant the world to me walked away from me. Yep, just like an evil genie, POOF, just vanished into thin air. I never saw or heard from him/her again. I felt useless. I tried to think of things I could do out of my home for income. It turned out I couldn’t do anything, because the slightest bit of energy I expended wore me out~for days. Literally, for days, even weeks.Sounds ridiculous, I know. It’s very hard to understand because it’s a very complex disease, and a lot of people are not willing to take the time to care and listen.

That’s when my faith began to deepen; as I was discovering how selfish people could be and how they could let you down without batting an eyelash I also discovered who wasn’t and who didn’t…..God. He’s still here. Even when I get angry and cry and plead, “Why, why! Why are you allowing me to suffer so badly for so long? When are you going to fix this? I can’t take it anymore,” I get a calm feeling. I’m not quite sure what it means, but somehow things fall into place, at least for the day. Somehow, an opportunity to do some good with this dreadful disease presents itself, whether it be my marketing rep calling me with another chance to promote my book or just a simple suggestion from a friend. It doesn’t even have to be anything big, just something I myself had not thought of.

I’m discovering something about faith and God here…..His answers don’t always jump out in front of you and say Boo. Many times they are small, quiet answers such as an everyday, ordinary experience~like that friends’ suggestion. It’s a whisper, but it’s an answer just the same. Just listen for a whisper……you’ll hear it when you least expect it.