Before my life moves forward……..

Good day, everyone…….just a few things to say that have been buzzing around in my bonnet. I finally got what was fair and just from the government, but now I have to move on. Before I can do that however, I have to resolve a few things with the people I loved the most and therefore have hurt me the most. One was a close friend and the other is a relative. I had to get the anger out and let them know what their behavior did to me when they decided they didn’t want to deal with me. These are feelings which hold one back, making them unable to move on. After six years I finally did it once and for all. I feel much better and feel like I can let go and face my future, whatever that may be. I’ve learned you cannot dwell on the past and move forward at the same time. There’s too much to do in life to let the past stop you; the past gets in the way. It has a way of blocking out what God is trying to tell you.It’s an obstacle which needs to be moved,and you’re the only one who can move it. One thing I’ve always had a hard time with is letting things go…..maybe this was one of lifes’ lessons I had to learn. Perhaps that’s partly why this happened. Sure seems like a hard way to teach it though. I’ve really been praying on this. I realize what I have to do, but I’m weak when it comes to such things. I need to pray for the strength to go on without the people I really would like in my life but can’t have. I realize they’re bad for me, but my problem is I want things the way they should be. Unfortunately, life is not like that. I’m a perfectionist, and where that came in handy in my job, it really wreaks havoc in my personal life. This is not as hard as the physical suffering and mental anguish the government put me through, but it’s hard on me just the same.

I guess the biggest issue here is I don’t have a father, I never got married, and I don’t have any kids to help and support me. While she means the world to me, the truth is my mother is aging and who knows how much longer she’ll be around. She’s all I have, and when something happens to her, I won’t have anybody. That scares me. Hopefully I’ll be ok by then, at least to the point where I can do most things for myself. I might even be married by then, but right now that’s not where I’m at. That truly frightens me. I have so many concerns. I must pray about them also. I must realize and believe God will take care of these situations also. He got me through the rest of it, so I have to believe He’ll get me through this when the time comes as well.

I need to keep praying, I know this. I just need to be reminded of His presence in my life, and it’s not always easy when one becomes so overwhelmed with fear and worry.

That’s it for now….hope this day finds everyone well.

Beckie.

Advertisements

I’m back…….

Hi all…..I’m back after getting my finances in order and finally paying off my bills! It feels so good not to be so deep in debt. I’m finally out from under. I am still looking into lowering my utilities and modifying my loan, however. SSD isn’t much of a budget, but at least I can pay most of my bills, especially my mortgage. I won’t be able to save anything really, but the rest will fall into place. God got me throught the worst of it, I don’t believe He’ll leave me in the lurch now.

On a brighter note, next week is the New York Library Association Book Expo in Niagra Falls. It’s on the 26th and 27th which is next thursday and friday. I hope it does well and libraries pick it up. Since there are almost 800 library districts in New York State, I’m hoping it does well. Think of all the people who could be helped! How wonderful! I really have high hopes for this.

It will also be in the Miami Book Fair in November. This is an international book fair in which people come from other countries and can even buy the rights to my book and translate it into different languages! Again, what a wonderful oppertunity to help others across the globe! Oh, I hope all goes well. I so want others to reach out and get help the way I have. I still struggle and suffer, but at least it’s not as bad as it was. I had an awful past couple of weeks, but the good news is, it does stop and better days do come. I just ask God for strength to get through my bad days. Not that I never get angry, though, because I do. I wonder how long He is going to allow this in my life. I want my life back.I’m too young to suffer all the time like this. I don’t want to suffer and struggle like this all the years I have left. It’s not fair. I know it’s not up to me, but I’m a human being and I do get angry. It’s been over six years and the human part of me wonders why it has to continue because I’ve suffered long enough. I’m tired of wondering and waiting.

Then I realize one day it will all be worth it. I think of the story of Job and how he was rewarded ten times over for his suffering. One day I will reap good for the bad I have been through. I just wish it would come soon.

Well, that’s about it for now……the trials and tribulations of a chronically ill person. To all of you who suffer along with me, hang in there! We’re all in this together 😉

Beckie.