Good day, everyone…….just a few things to say that have been buzzing around in my bonnet. I finally got what was fair and just from the government, but now I have to move on. Before I can do that however, I have to resolve a few things with the people I loved the most and therefore have hurt me the most. One was a close friend and the other is a relative. I had to get the anger out and let them know what their behavior did to me when they decided they didn’t want to deal with me. These are feelings which hold one back, making them unable to move on. After six years I finally did it once and for all. I feel much better and feel like I can let go and face my future, whatever that may be. I’ve learned you cannot dwell on the past and move forward at the same time. There’s too much to do in life to let the past stop you; the past gets in the way. It has a way of blocking out what God is trying to tell you.It’s an obstacle which needs to be moved,and you’re the only one who can move it. One thing I’ve always had a hard time with is letting things go…..maybe this was one of lifes’ lessons I had to learn. Perhaps that’s partly why this happened. Sure seems like a hard way to teach it though. I’ve really been praying on this. I realize what I have to do, but I’m weak when it comes to such things. I need to pray for the strength to go on without the people I really would like in my life but can’t have. I realize they’re bad for me, but my problem is I want things the way they should be. Unfortunately, life is not like that. I’m a perfectionist, and where that came in handy in my job, it really wreaks havoc in my personal life. This is not as hard as the physical suffering and mental anguish the government put me through, but it’s hard on me just the same.
I guess the biggest issue here is I don’t have a father, I never got married, and I don’t have any kids to help and support me. While she means the world to me, the truth is my mother is aging and who knows how much longer she’ll be around. She’s all I have, and when something happens to her, I won’t have anybody. That scares me. Hopefully I’ll be ok by then, at least to the point where I can do most things for myself. I might even be married by then, but right now that’s not where I’m at. That truly frightens me. I have so many concerns. I must pray about them also. I must realize and believe God will take care of these situations also. He got me through the rest of it, so I have to believe He’ll get me through this when the time comes as well.
I need to keep praying, I know this. I just need to be reminded of His presence in my life, and it’s not always easy when one becomes so overwhelmed with fear and worry.
That’s it for now….hope this day finds everyone well.